I really miss having friends that I had things in common with. I used to love baking and going to shows and taking pictures, but I don’t do much of that anymore and I feel it’s because I have no one to do any of those things with. Sometimes all I want to do is go for a hike and take some nice photos, or go stand in the back of a hardcore show and feel numb to anything other than the music playing. I miss when life had meaning and I had great friends who understood me. I feel like my life has no depth and it’s really getting to me. I don’t like most of my friends, and it’s nothing personal, it’s just the lack of spontaneity and meaning in my relationships with them. I want to do more than sit by a camp fire while everyone gets hammered, or go out to eat. I want my life to feel like something once again.
Things I plan to do over break:
-Read.
-Workout.
-Drink lots of tea.
-Cook and bake lots of food, probably all vegan/vegetarian.
-Intern with my Aunt at her bakery.
-Dye my hair.
-Get tattooed?
-Visit Mariah in Syracuse at least 3 times.
-Visit Jenna and Kaylee as much as possible.
-Visit Jac and Amanda in Marlboro.
-Go to the city.
-Go to court.
-Come back with a new life.
If I could do anything I wanted with my life, I would cook. Real, good food for people. Food makes people happy. Food brings back memories, and builds new memories. Food is a conversation piece. That’s all I want to do.
And I want to help people. I want to help people like me, or not quite like me. I want to help people worse off than I ever was, and I want to help them be better off.
So I’m seriously reconsidering my major, and reconsidering college. Reconsidering where I want to end up and be for the rest of my life.
Because I have never wanted to be told what to do. I have never wanted to have to censor myself. So is being a teacher really going to get me to where I want to be?
I guess we’ll see.
